xoxo, nico

its hard to accept the fact all things good and bad must come to an end. duchess replaced the duke with an english bulldog named stewart and became closer to a dream girl. maybe one day we will all come around and things will turn out the same as they were when they were normal. what the fuck am i talking about, like seriously i mean what the fuck, i must be completely in denial. please explain in god’s name who you calling normal anyway? in my opinion its all a bunch of fucking bullshit but what i believe doesn’t count for much of anything. p s don’t tell anyone i said that. i’m not the only one who’s done something wrong, we all live in this world where people get off on scandal and i know stories that would make your toes curl. the thing that sucks the most is that i would much rather be able to quit smoking than quit you but i don’t have a choice when it comes down to loyalty. unfortunately i’ve built up a tolerance. then everything begins to stress me out and a cigarette helps me look forward to some sort of relief even if its only lasts for five fucking minutes.

you let me down. i begged you like lennon but instead you decided to abandon me while we were in the same bed. maybe i should have voiced my opinion but i know you well enough to call that you’d probably just agree with anything i said. there is no way in hell that you would fight to keep nothing. i don’t have the balls to say all the things i think and most of the time i’d rather fuck you then lie through my teeth. i wonder if you kiss her the way you kiss me in the morning and maybe you run your fingertips all over her bare skin with your lips on her neck. i bet she really liked it and i wonder if you were thinking about her when your mouth was on my stomach. we’re not together so this is not supposed to be fucking with my head. every body i know is looking for the next best thing and i’m bored of giving all of it up for nothing. i thought i could handle using you for a lover but i guess i’m just not old enough even when i’m not the one who has to grow up. i shouldn’t be crying myself to sleep in a hotel room while you are lying to the right of me. in the mean time i am pretending that it will kill you if i am the one who stumbles upon a fantasy. i’ve come to the conclusion that you will never be able to please me completely. you never wasted your time getting to know me.

i watched too many fairy tales when i was a child. there is no such thing as a prince in shining armor who’s going to kiss me and wake me from a day dream or leave me wild flowers and a poem hanging from a string around my dead bolt. i am in love with make believe and brilliant cut things but a kiss on the cheek is good enough for me. cross my heart. hope to die. stick a needle in my eye.

i ran into wakey! wakey! last night at casey’s show. the last time i saw him was that mercury lounge when told me he was single. he introduced her as this is my girlfriend i forgot her name. i was wasted and i said whoa that was quick i had no idea you had one of those. she got so pissed but i swear it was totally innocent.

if i had a choice i think i would choose sticks and stones over knowing the names of all the girls who’s numbers are programed in your little black phone. its so easy with me because i can peel off my clothes and show you everything from my head to my heals. you see what you want on the surface but my mistake is trying to show you that there’s a treasure buried underneath and in between each of these layers. i believe you refuse to see past what you can’t reach and you are not the one who is playing for keeps. so please just stop trying to keep in touch with me.

when the metal band my brother plays bass in got signed i told my then musician boyfriend and he couldn’t believe that some shit band from some shit town in the mid west got a deal when there are so many people here in new york city who are so much more worthy of distribution. he said it like they didn’t work hard to create a cult following at home with their grass roots and stuck together for six years before they could celebrate victory. i guess that’s not worth a pretty penny. this is also the same person who told me once how he noticed me in a room full of patrons while he was on stage with the previous lover and he remembered mentally pointing at me as if i was a shiny new toy waiting to be picked off the shelf. he had no idea duchess and me were connected and mr. white is the reason why i met all of them. not long after that the duke came across the pond and maybe we were all happy for a second but i can’t change the fact that we are all still here waiting for someone to blow up. they say you need to have patience because good things come to those who wait but i don’t believe in that statement. maybe we do make our own fate and we’re alive only because we left the right place in the right time. bad things happen to me and you. self destruct in five four three two

sometimes you win and sometimes you loose. i’ve never been the most competitive person and i honestly don’t care if i end any race in last place. i guess i always believed in the riddle first is the worst and second is the best. i don’t finish last because i’m nice, it’s because i don’t want to compete. there may be no i in the word team but if you take away the t and a you can spell me if you happen to be dyslexic. i’m into the players, not the game.

my aunt used to tickle my back to help me get to sleep when she babysat. she was twenty-one and madly in love with my uncle who followed her to arizona. they eloped in vegas and broke the news she was three months pregnant while they were home celebrating the nuptials. me and my little brother got to rip off the pretty paper that wrapped their gifts. my aunt told me she was going to hide me in her suitcase so i could fly back to phoenix with them that evening. i was six when they begged my parents to take me back with them for practice. they said no and made me go to my mum’s parents instead while they gave my aunt and uncle a ride to the airport. my grandma said that night i had a temper tantrum screaming and crying until i finally fell asleep wearing a red t-shirt and jeans.

my daddy and his new brother were playing a video game that seemed like it was never ending. it kept giving them more points and advancing them to the next level. my aunt wanted to get on stand by for the earlier flight and made them abandon the next play. when they got to the gate at detroit metro their mom took the last picture on the roll of the newly weds posed in front of the runway with their fists up so happy because a couple didn’t show up. the stewardess called their names and then the flight was full. twenty-one years ago today they got on a jet plane and never came back again.

grams and gramps never tried to find the two people who decided not to go on vacation. a three year old girl who sat on her mother’s lap was found under the wing of the plane by a paramedic nicknamed the cheerio king. she was the only survivor. six years later my gramps passed away on the youngest sons birthday. ironically grams died three years ago on the oldest sons birthday at her second home in arizona. my daddy is the middle one, my aunt was the baby. randomly an ex of mine was having a drink at a bar a couple days after grams funeral and had a conversation with the man who had been left behind. in the late eighties grams started a support group for the families of the victims who parished. they planted one hundred and fifty six trees around a marble monument that lists all the names upon the hill the pilot crashed into seconds after the eight forty six takeoff. every year after sunset they hold a candle lit vigil.

we live in bubbles. no matter where i go i alway end up in another one. when i was little i always wanted to be like glenda the good witch in the wizard of oz. a bubble was her mode of transportation and sometimes i wish i could float away in my own. i guess it wouldn’t be the safest way to travel because more often than not my bubble will end up the one that burst.

maybe i just wasn’t cut out for a mini van and a white picket fence for curb appeal. when i go to the suburbs i like to take off my knee highs and walk baby steps with my bare feet on fresh cut green grass. i know all these couples who are devoted to one another like my parents. they grew up across the street from each other then after they graduated they eloped and got married in rome. i’ve heard of great love stories but all the tragedies i know of will forever out way any tall tale.

its ironic to me that duchess is jewish and throws away her trash underneath the jesus saves neon sign. i used the wrong sponge to wash a pan in her kosher kitchen and i felt really bad and i set a shabbat table with rosary hanging around my neck. if you transpose two of the numbers in her address it matches the duke’s three digits on manhattan street in brooklyn. if i was in her shoes i would have left a dead fish on his door step and put dog shit in the sampsonite i packed with the things he left in my closet. the only thing he has left is to pray for forgiveness.

the ball was in your court but oops you dropped it again when i never stopped rooting for the home team. i decided you were dead to me the day you spit in my face and since then things haven’t changed. they will never be the same. the toys you manipulated turned their tables and now your the one who’s left all by yourself in a padded room with white noise that badly needs a coat of paint the true color of your lies. you committed a perfect ten of the seven deadly sins and in the beginning it seemed like someone was going to get a story tail ending. poor things for believing what you were saying but i must admit that it was amusing to watch you choke after you slapped everyone you fucked in the face. it came as no surprise to me that they couldn’t see through all your shades of gray. it only makes me question my own loyalty because i kept secrets and lied through my teeth and almost tried to help you clean up your pieces. in some religions they would cut your dick off for what you’ve done. i may not believe in love nor even god but one thing i need to feel is trust and i would never break for your truth because you are just not good enough. loser.

one plus one equals company but its always one less than a crowd and an automobile never has a fifth wheel. its like we seem to have to make it even in order to achieve some so called balance that doesn’t even exist. an eye for an eye or a tooth for a tooth and an i would show you yours if you could show me mine. more often than not stories will not add up and just because you decided you had enough doesn’t mean you’re the one who lost. i always forget to factor in important things and my end result is an equation that i can’t even believe. sometimes digits aren’t always what they seem.

my rock star brother’s flavor of the week rescued a puppy about a month ago and she randomly named it nico. i met her and i actually liked her because she doesn’t give a shit if i do or not so we got along. when we were kids mango and me used to fight like cats and dogs. supposedly i chased him around the house with a butcher knife one time while i was babysitting but i don’t remember this so it obviously did not happen. one time he threw a pencil at me from across the room and i was convinced he gave me lead poisoning because it stuck in my chest like an arrow head. the point of it is still under the surface of my skin but no matter what we’ve ever done i am the luckiest person because i get to share blood with him.

this picture was taken at the beginning of our quarter life crisis. i was living in boston and i rented a car to meet her at laguardia. at this point we’ve known each other for thirteen years, i love her dearly and she’s still as weird as she was when we went through our teen years. i could count on one hand all the people i kept in touch with from high school and no matter what state we’re living in we always manage to come visit. ironically on the day i flew home to surprise my mum i got an invitation to go a party at the home of my first love and an accomplice of ours.

once upon a time sweet caroline came over to spend the night on a school night. my parents were in las vegas so in order to get around my grandma we had to sneak out the laundry room window. the first time we tried it we got caught. when we knew she was asleep i turned off the alarm and we walked out the door, down the block to my first love’s piece of shit car with no muffler. hours later carrie’s dealer boyfriend gets a page from her mom. by the time dawn came we decided we were going to skip the first half of the day and go in at lunch but that turned into camping out in barns and showers together for the next three. everyone thought we ran away. the cops were searching for us within the first twelve hours, the principle tracking down work sites, questioning friends, and my parents caught the next flight out of sin city. we had to escape out the back door of a house and hop over fences and graves to get in the backseat of our accomplice’s mustang because carrie’s dad had staked out the place. he saw us flea and we ended up in a high speed chase down dirt roads but he couldn’t keep up because our driver believed he was speed racer.

now back at home the driver and my first love are living happily never after ironically sharing an apartment together. a few years ago the doctor’s told carrie that she would never have children so she said fuck birth control and being careful. she was always the one who wanted to have a bunch of babies. one night we went to mcdonalds after vicodin cocktails and she dumped her diet coke out the passenger window so she’d have something to throw up in before we even left the drive thu. two days later she called and said she had a bun in the oven. eighteen months ago she gave birth to a beautiful boy named evan and i flew to manhattan.

i took a trip and my pops dropped me off with a souvenir to smuggle through security. the duke and i split the stem and the cap and ate it with raspberry stoli then went to pete’s candy store where we secluded ourselves in a dark corner. we didn’t take alot and i originally anticipated the magic not to be so strong but it wasn’t long before my legs started to weigh me down. the duke looked at me with his palms on the table dead serious and said he’s peaking. i’m like bullshit just wait these are creepers.

the clerks behind the counter at the corner store must have thought we were freaks. i asked for a large coffee cup and one of them said they would cost me twenty five cents each so the duke demanded to see the merchandise. we inspected the product and made sure they came with lids and straws to conceal the contents before we made the purchase. this brilliant idea came to us while we were hiding in the matchless photo booth because we wanted to take our drinks with us in to-go cups. this was the point in the evening when i realized we should not be around the general public let alone run into anyone we know. my pupils now look like black holes. the plan was to walk around brooklyn after we picked up ice and liquor from his apartment but instead we ended up sitting at his bar drinking from the paper cups and straws we bought for hours.

i think we all need to food poison ourselves more often.

making out with girls is fun. i went through a phase when i was in la where we’d play strip poker with a pot of kisses instead of chips and body parts as the blinds. their lips are softer and they know just how to touch because they’re familiar with our secret spots. last night when i came home i tripped over shoes in the living room. princess had company in her bed and i swear i thought when i saw him he would be naked and dead. she obviously didn’t hear me come in even though the walls in this apartment are paper thin. this guy was so loud and he sounded so into the position i imagined them in. it got quiet all of a sudden then a few minutes later the front door slammed. even i needed a cigarette after that one. on the stoop sat princess next to the man she murdered. they were not alone and he was very much alive with a perma-grin sitting in the middle of her and a pretty girl i just met. princess introduced her as a friend and i didn’t think anything of it when she slept over twice last week. that little shit was going to try and keep it a secret. the random guy she had a one night stand with was not who got her off in forty-five seconds. no fucking way that totally had to have been lady love.

maybe you’re not aware of the fact that good things come in little blue packages or that i tied bells to my shoe laces so when i walk away it rings like your ears do when i talk about you. sometimes i think you can hear me whispering but thats impossible because you’re miles away from where ever i should be. so i wait until the coast is clear and i sit still until i can’t stand the same position. the same old thing over and over again like the alarm clock waking me up when all i want to do is slip underneath my pinstripe sheets and stay there for days not thinking about breathing.

so its not you. its just me and i’m all by myself in the dark wondering why i’m not there and how you are everywhere. maybe its the first impression you make or how you got blinded by the smile you saw on my face. kind of like it hit you the way sun gets the top of puddles after it rains. maybe one day i’ll meet the person who can touch me kind of like that shine but i probably had never even noticed him on the street. perhaps our paths will cross and we’ll meet again the way they did in kodachrome movies or he could be sleeping right next to me facing the other way while i stay quiet pretending i can hear his heart beat. serenfuckingdipitydodah i gotta stop trying to connect all these dots, crossing hearts and rolling the die because i’ve learned its always the snake who stares you strait in the eyes. i’m exhausted but i don’t want to sleep so please i’d rather not then all of a sudden my subconscious stops and one thing leads to no question between why or why not. talent lies in whether or not i get caught.

this morning i left my keys in my apartment. i forgot them when i decided that i needed a cigarette. as soon as the door slammed on my ass i realized i had to go back in for my lighter. i was barefoot with no keys. sweet. i get to walk to the store with bed head and ignore the sign that reads no shirt no shoes no service and went in wearing just panties with an ex boyfriend’s old wife beater. the clerk knows me but can’t see my feet and i asked if i could use the phone before i realized that i don’t have my cell so i have no numbers. its a little before noon so my roommates are’t even due home until this evening. when i buzzed all the doors it made my landlords dog bark but that was the only response i got. fuck. i’m going to have to climb over ten foot gate to get into the backyard for the ladder so i can hopefully scale the siding so i can crawl in my window that might be unlocked only if i can pop the screen out. the cops happen to be patrolling the street and saw me hanging from the iron bars as i was trying to swing my leg over so they stopped, interrogated me for breaking and entering, then made me call a locksmith so it ended up costing me sixty bucks. lovely.

sometimes i get so wasted i need to be carried home. i swear i don’t do it on purpose. it just kind of happens.

as it turns out i found there’s nothing i could have done about it. i wish i would have thought faster but i don’t have magic powers and i can’t recite a spell that turns clocks back or makes everyone believe that time is just figment of our imagination. even though my watch is broken its still right one time when its light and twelve hours later in the middle of the night. in a perfect world there would be no such thing as what happens when we sleep. we all have secret dreams and the most important thing is for them to stay quiet in front of the people we pretend to trust. you can’t hide your skeletons from the ones your love because those are the ones who are supposed to love you because you possess them. i can love you unconditionally under one condition and that is only if you have the heart to show me what you may be feeling.

i was never a good girl nor was i ever a strait a student. i got b’s and c’s and was voted biggest skipper in the senior mock elections. i thought it was a joke so i didn’t even show up to the yearbook photo. my life fell apart during my last year of highschool. all my friends were older and had already graduated and left me behind to rot in the halls with all the assholes i had to sit through class with. i’d leave at lunch went to smoke blunts, eat acid or sprinkle shroom dust on pizza. maybe it had something to do with the drugs but i had the biggest attitude and i purposefully broke rules knowing that it would would suck to get caught even though most of the time i got away with it. i just didn’t give a fuck. i cheated and lied and i was the most ungrateful spoiled little shit you could ever imagine up until my baby sister grew up. i envy my parents for their forgiveness and i wish i would have listened when they tried to teach me how not to hold grudges.