xoxo, nico

i feel like i just woke up from the dead. my head is pounding, my hands are shaking, my nose is running. i should probably eat something but i can’t because it’ll taste like dirt from my grave. blah, sick. i wish for a switch to shut the sun off and make it dark again. it disappears much faster here than on the west coast. over there it’s daytime forever. i left my past in venice beach on new years eve with the resolution to be a good girl. new place, new ways. i was motivated for a little bit, no drinking, no smoking, celibate and then the withdrawals came back. someone handed it to me on a mirror and i relapsed. i’m new here, no one really knows me so i can be who ever i want to be. i came from where the sunsets on the sea. i could have went to a temp agency and got a job as a secretary but instead i went to a venue and got a job cocktail serving. that was too easy, they hired me on the spot. connect the dots, la, la, la, la, la, la…

i just moved in with the duke yesterday so we went out and celebrated. he’s from south london and the ladies love him but there’s one problem…he’s taken (i’ll get to that one later). the duke will drink you under the table and last night i tried to keep up with him. scotch and me don’t get along too often. i guess i was all sloppy talking jibberish and drooling all over his vintage jacket by the end of the evening. i don’t remember the cab ride back to brooklyn or him carrying me over the threshold…this means the duke’s the one and i will have to live with my first impression.

he posted an ad on craigslist because a room opened up in his apartment. to make a long story short, i answered it, we met, and a week later i moved in. tonight i’m going with him to blender to see some band he’s friends with called atomictom. hopefully one of the members will come home with us as my victim.

things happen for reasons. its not fair sometimes but i guess sooner than later i’ll find out why they turned out the way they did. until then i’m going to keep a diary of my unluckiness. record everything and tell the truth for once in my head. can i be a pathological lier if i’m the only one i misled? i caused this effect i’m living and its constantly playing tricks on me. you were there for a second and then poof, you’re missing. the fucked up part is you’re still in my peripheral vision only i’m staring strait ahead. i could pinch you but i can’t reach you. it’s my fault. i’m the one who got addicted and the withdrawals are so awful that i can’t stand to stay awake for longer than a second. this is the way my life happens. it’s like my tragedy is never ending. i’ve never tried to keep a diary of anything – this is because of adhd. it’s hard for me to pay attention to me.