xoxo, nico

i hope that every time you see me it feels like your heart drops into your stomach and you can’t breathe and your palms get sweaty and your hands start shaking. like you freeze and you feel like your dying because you’re standing alone on a stage naked underneath fluorescent lighting with an auditorium full of people staring. i’ll be the one sitting in the back with my legs crossed dressed all in black holding a white handkerchief listening for you to say something. you won’t see me until all of the people who were watching for you to clear your throat get up and go. one bye one until they’re all gone and then there i’ll be alone in the seats waiting patiently.

those fucking church bells wake me up every god damn morning. every day at eight am its like gong…gong…gong…always constant like a bad song on repeat. it would be awesome if they just stopped and then all of religion was gone. if only one day the christians woke up and realized that jesus was a person and brought the party with him. if he was coming it meant that wine was made out of water and somebody had gone fishing but he had disappeared with miss magdalene. if you got to wasted there was always some left over bread that was broken to soak up the toxins. speaking of, my stomach is nauseous from all that shiraz, my head hurts and where the fuck is that tylonol?

so if it’s your debut rockwood show chances are you have to play a shit slot like 7pm on a tuesday just to get it over with. if you draw in a crowd then and can prove to the oracle that you have people who want to see you then your dues are paid. your show time gets later on a better day and shayna zaid made it known that she was coming back again. she’s leaving for malaysia to perform for thousands of adoring fans that she has built up from her days on television. we’re going out for tacos when she comes home. i was leaving and i ran into duchess who came to see toby and then i realized that i was sitting on a stool between her and kevin bacon. i touched his funny bone and said hello, how are you? he was nice and responded with i’m good how are you? i said splendid. his wife, kyra sedgwick, was sitting at a table with a big dude who i think was their security as kevin stood by the bar in a black hat looking all good. then i saw him talking to someone who i personally know and i realized that i am only a one degree separation away from kevin bacon in the flesh.

the zipper factory just might be the coolest venue on the island of manhattan. the decor is all antique, refurbished materials and random stuff that all flows together harmoniously. the stage is sunk in auditorium style and you enjoy the show on old car seats. there is not a bad angle in the whole house and i had no idea it even existed until a couple days ago. brent shuttleworth is loved by the ladies and one of them even threw her bra on the stage. it landed on his foot and the duke yelled in his english accent show him your boobs. then the whole crowd started chanting boobies! boobies! she shook her head no and brent looked down to tune his guitar just as she lifted her shirt so he missed the whole show. it was a crowd pleaser but we were sitting behind her so we didn’t get to see anything either.

so my phone rings a little after midnight and it was the one and only derek james. he asked me for a place to sleep in the city so i offered him the duke’s bed because he’s not coming back from london until this evening. we smoked a bunch of weed and he played his guitar in my room until i fell asleep. i woke up in the morning and found derek out cold in the duke’s bed with crumbs and empty packages of cookies, goldfish and candy. looks like somebody got the munchies.

the funniest thing about mr. d james stealing my cookies was after eating them when he had to pee and somehow he dropped his cell phone in the toilet bowl then had to fish it out before he flushed it down. ha ha, that my friend is what i call instant karma.

the duke knows some dude who does some shit for brent shuttleworth and he’s having his cd release party at a place they call the zipper factory on saturday evening. duchess is out of town or they broke up maybe? i don’t know but he asked me to be his plus uno and i get to go to a free show.

one night the diamond from my pinkie ring went missing. i looked until i got lost and i found myself at your apartment. i knocked three times and got silence. i knocked louder then listened to quiet. i knocked until my knuckles bled then i painted the door red just because love stains like blood does. i got locked out and i can’t let myself back in. i guess those keys i had couldn’t set free happiness. my first instinct was to wait for you to come back so i sat down on the last step. i never thought to myself that you were supposed to be found for better or less. i have no patience so it didn’t take long until i was gone. i broke a mirror and left a trail of glass but i bet you’ve already swept up the pieces and cleaned up the mess off the steps. you said we come from different places but our worlds crashed. maybe our paths crossed like black cats. you told me i was pretty then said you didn’t love me on the thirteenth but when i was with you i believed i was lucky. i wish my reflection was still there, that my sleeves were still clean and my heart was still beating. i wish the way you felt about me wasn’t my fantasy. you have it all and i made the mistake of trying to be the company you don’t want. i gave you a pocket watch but our clock stopped. i tried to be perfect but i’m just not and i’m ashamed of myself for letting it happen not once but two times in a row. i hope one day you love some one at least as much as you love yourself and i hope they glow the way a candle would in the snow. i think i tried but i don’t know.

i showed up late last night to the living room and was surprised that fools for april had every table full. i figured it would be half empty because it was cold and monday. i got there just in time to see a loyal fan pop the question to his girlfriend. before he started the last song, dov said a friend of his had an announcement. the boy got down on one knee and said you are the best thing that has ever happened, please marry me. awe, how romantic and what a story you’ll be able to tell your grandkids. congratulations, you will live happily ever after because you are the chosen ones.

last night i was alone at a table full of people who i don’t know and the thing they all had in common was the same high school. the boy across from me said i look like a black cat and i told him he was lucky for crossing my path. i wonder how many of my nine lives have died. superstitions are interesting to me because there are so many random things that cause them. i’ve accidentally walked underneath ladders and i’ve broken mirrors on purpose. i’ve spilled the salt, crossed table knives and forgot to knock on a wooden surface. i have a white rabbit’s foot key chain but i don’t think it was very lucky for the bunny. it is impossible not to step on cracks and i’d burn myself before i lit three cigarettes with one match.

today i am staying in my bed where i’m safe and warm because its freezing outside, fucking cold and windy. i am so greatful that i have a roof over my head and i don’t lug around my suitcase looking for somebody’s couch to sleep on. it was not easy being a gypsy. they say that home is where the heart is but my house has burnt down and i was left in the ashes. i got lazy but i suppose it was not all my fault. i just didn’t feel like sifting through them hoping i could find something that has already turned into dust. so i walked away and i left the mess for them to attend to and i haven’t looked back since. i should ring them more often and be a better friend by staying in touch but i’ve never been great at following up. if only i had thought to call them instead of thinking about calling somebody i shouldn’t. i lost that skeleton key and my black book is locked in a box at the top of a closet.

the original lothario is sitting up in heaven and shooting his arrows and making mortals fall in love with those who won’t love them in return. he has stabbed everybody in the back of the heart at least once, maybe two times, three if you’re lucky. i believe he’s the one to blame for all the games that are played and the sick part is that i am madly love him. i’m not bitter, i swear, i think love is sweet but i also believe that all things must come to an ending. if they didn’t then there would never be a happy beginning. this morning i went to get coffee at the corner store and the clerk gave me a single red rose. as i smoked on my porch i plucked petals off one by one and before i got done my neighbor told me today was his divorce’s anniversary. how ironic would that be, to have your divorce picked by the court to be final on saint valentines day? i watched him walk away as i dropped the last petal and thought he loves me not.

i could overdose on eli paperboy reed. his band was amazing but the sound guys at the cutting room pretty much suck balls. the whole pa system gave out a few times during the performance and by the third failure it got annoying. the show was being recorded to be broadcast “live” tomorrow night so the radio has some time to edit out the bullshit.

by the time you read this, i’ll be blowing your best friend. i’m sorry for doing this but, you left me no other choice. i know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you – especially because you’re an emotional cripple. but I’m sorry – i just need space. i think you’re swell, but i don’t think we’re right for each other. first of all, we’re not compatible. you’re a republican, and i’m beyond that. you like watching TV, you eat noisily, and enjoy televised sports, and i don’t like any of these things. your favorite movie is patch adams, and your favorite band is whitesnake. do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? i once asked you what color my eyes are and you said “nuke me some fucking hash browns!”. anyway, i want to date the first drunk barfly who’ll talk to me. but you know what? i still want to be acquaintances. we can totally have hot sloppy booty calls. we had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I’m passed out). but please, don’t be bitter like last time. that means no crying. and look – i won’t even make an issue out of the money you owe me, or the fact that you auctioned our love child. so take care of yourself – and choke on your own vomit.

xoxo,
nico

p.s. i faked every orgasm.

cupid doesn’t like me but if i had somebody i would stay in on february 14th and make desert for my true love with eli paperboy reed playing on an old school radio in the background while i serve him strawberries and champagne in lingerie. this boy caught my attention a long time ago when i saw him play through zuzu’s window in boston. i had a crush on his guitar player then. paperboy’s playing a secret show on february 13th for wfuv members only and lucky for me i get to go with solo because he knows someone who’s playing.

sometimes i do things without caring. for example, when i first got to new york i met a boy at a party and we hooked up the next evening for drinks. in the beginning, i thought i was going to go back to the couch i was staying on after one, maybe two. as the night progressed past three and more, i began to enjoy the way he touched my body, the way his finger traced my knee cap and the palm of his hand on the small of my back. he was funny, he made me laugh with his sarcasm so i decided i met my match and let him lure me back to his apartment with the promise of more red wine and his stash. you could slice the sexual tension with scissors and my clothes were on the floor within seconds of unlocking the red door. he was a good lover but maybe it was so intense because i was so trashed. he didn’t get off until i was done, then he put on his boxers and rolled over without touching me again. i woke up in his bed in the morning alone and i got an overwhelming feeling that i shouldn’t be there. a place with bad energy that i ignored the night before. i got dressed and left while he was still in the shower and i pretend that it never happened.come to find out, this boy is a musician who duchess used to be in love with.so the host goes up to announce andy friedman and i was talking to a friend of hers from college. she’s blonde and has great boobs so we’ll keep her face anonymous because i know that sooner or later i will get miss rose to show me those.i told her the story above because the boy showed up while andy and the other failures were playing. i pointed out who it was and as soon as duchess came back to the table rose opened her big mouth.i could tell duchess got a little pissed but she got over it pretty quick after i told her what i did. he came up to her later while i was standing there and he recognized my face but i had to remind him of my name. hopefully that gave her at least a little bit of satisfaction, and, in my own defense, i had no clue they were connected.

i am a metal monkey in chinese astrology and today starts a new 12 year cycle beginning with the year of the rat. its an eclipse tonight so the earth is in between the sun and the new moon. mercury is in retrograde so it appears to be moving backwards through the northern lights. she is the planet of intellect and when she moves the wrong way it spins things around. i am a virgo so my sign is ruled by that planet and this leaves me not thinking things through or problem solving. i’m just a little bit more confused. it doesn’t make a difference that i was born under a sagittarius moon with scorpio rising and air is the only element i’m missing.

i am not perfect. you can’t take me home to meet your mommy. i like to say fuck a little too much. i smoke cigarettes and spend my extra money on clothes and weed. i never finish anything i have on my plate, there will always be something i leave. i don’t wash the makeup off of my face when i go to sleep and i stay in bed until late afternoon everyday. i am dramatic. i react to things without thinking and my actions speak louder than my words could ever explain. i believe the karma came back when i followed that black cat down it’s path. i watched him loose nine lives so i replaced him with a white kitten. once bitten twice shy multiplies and my glass will always be left half full of it.

thank you, come again.

i’m glad new york won the superbowl because tom brady is a giant asshole for getting some slut prego and leaving her for jizelle and then getting rewarded with an undefeated season…she should leave him and go back to her home on whore island. i’ve never personally gotten along with the jocks even though i was a cheerleader in high school. i just wanted to be up in the mounts and wear the short skirt. i was the one who had a cooler of alcohol in my trunk and a joint rolled for the parking lot after our team lost. senior year, me and a teammate ate shrooms at halftime of the homecoming game. by the two minute warning it hit me and my feet were stuck to the track and i couldn’t do my routine. i told my coach that my knee gave out and she asked me why i wasn’t limping. i think i forgot to and then she looked at me and asked why the whites of my eyes were violet and my pupils were so massive. i think i said make-up or something stupid. a few weeks later i was kicked off the squad for different reasons but i still hold on to the uniform. maybe i should wear it to duchess and the duke’s party on wednesday evening. note to self: do not forget your pom poms.

we got spirit yes we do we got spirit how bout you?!?!?

[insert screaming fans here]

that place was packed last night. that’s why sean had to get his glitter poured on him on the cold concrete, there was no room to get it on inside cockwood. it would have been cool if that girl matt sang to showed him her tits or something but that didn’t happen. i think i’ll pretend that it did. i heard after the show that one of the boys of rich girls got his dick sucked in the bathroom. at one point i was standing in line behind one of them but i must have been too drunk to realize he went in with a girl and they came out at the same time. i wonder if anyone else was paying attention. i put two and two together when one of the bass players confirmed it while we were smoking a cigarette. if that did happen in that short of an amount of time then that bitch is fucking talented.

hell will freeze over before i ever go to that shit town punxsutawney in the middle of pennsylvania and spend all night waiting with 40,000 other people to watch a fucking groundhog that’s supposedly been alive for 122 years come out of its hole and predict more winter. there’s going to be six more weeks of this shit regardless of weather or not a rodent named phil sees its shadow or what it said to the delusional dude who thinks he speaks its language.

i wish i was a rich girl. i wonder what its like to not live from tip to tip. it must be nice not to worry how you’re going to pay rent. there’s so much money in new york city. it seems like everybody has some except for me. being a lady has its advantages and most of the time i get drunk for free. they just keep offering me cocktails and it all gets charged to a tab that i will never see.

lucky for me rich girls are playing tonight and its free. in my opinion, any band with the bass player as the front man is amazing…these boys have two of those to choose from.

i kept telling him naughty things in his ear but i guess he wasn’t listening. maybe he couldn’t understand because the music was too loud. maybe it went in one ear and out the other one. duchess informed me after the fact that he’s involved…well isn’t everyone? what, like that’s supposed to mean they’re off limits or something. yeah, okay. whatever. just because they have someone doesn’t mean they don’t still want it. i can’t even count how many taken lovers i’ve had (because that would just be bad). the musicians are the best kind because there is no relationship and it stays a secret. don’t ask, don’t tell. it always ends up complicated unless there’s no strings attached and i’d much rather stay independent. on top of that i just don’t believe that anyone will ever be able to give me what i want.

this girl knows everybody. she is the duke’s lady friend and when i was introduced i was like wait, which one’s the duchess? i was convinced the duke was gay when i came in the apartment and he was ironing with a hydrating mask on. apparently not the case. last night i got the pleasure of listening to duchess in the next room for ever. i swear they were yelling at each other but then all of a sudden i heard these yeah yeah yeahs. maybe it was intense make up sex. there was alot of banging and somebody’s got some rhythm. i considered taking off all my clothes and standing in the open doorway until they gave me permission to join the fun. after it stopped i almost went to check on them to make sure no one injured themselves.