xoxo, nico

when i was a little girl i dreamed i could fly all the time. i did ballet because i could tour jete on stage and i was on point when i turned nine years of age. i had balance and i could jump which gave me an advantage when cheerleading try outs came around. i made the varsity competition squad and i was the only one from my grade. it was because i was small and they needed somebody to toss around. i was light enough for two girls to clasp their wrists like a basket then i would jump off of their fists as they tossed me in the air. at the peak of about twenty feet i would spread my legs to touch my toes and then cradle my body for them to catch me. there’s a mount called a liberty where you stand on the hands of two girls holding one of your feet and your other leg is bent so your foot touches your knee. the bases arms extended over their heads and i was above everyone with my arms in a v smiling and yelling go team.

i hooked up with the oracle last night because he had a plus one to a show at mercury lounge. crystal castles sold out and it was like the yeah yeah yeahs on coke times prodigy with a strobe light show. it brought me back to raves in detroit when i would eat a whole bunch of ex and inhale balloons until i came to on the floor. i wanted some glow sticks and a pacifier or maybe some blow pops because i liked to suck on things when i got fucked up. after it was over we went to rockwood for late night and the only reason i go is because it’s hosted by one of the rich girls. i had to have drunk more than a bottle of red wine when the groper showed up with one of his girl “friends”. he always has some kind of arm candy and it makes me wonder where they come from. personals maybe. he introduces me and i ignore their name because i know i will never see them again. to make a long story short i was standing against the wall and watching impromptu aerosmith covers while he was caressing my back and telling me it was hot that nobody can see. its like a secret he said as he slipped his fingers down the back of my pants and touched my punani. that’s when the bathroom door opened and the girl he came with came out then they went back to their seats at the table in the corner. he led her there with that same hand on the small of her back. sick fuck didn’t even wash his finger tips off.

is there no such thing as common courtesy anymore? i went into the store and stood in line behind this old man who counted his pennies and came up two cents short. the clerk said i’m sorry you do not have enough and i can not sell you your banana. so the man looked down and stepped over to search in his pockets for more money. i put my cereal on the counter and said i don’t want this but i would like to purchase this piece of fruit please. i gave him a dollar for it, told him to keep the change and handed the potassium to the little old man on my way out the door. from this day on i am no longer a customer at that store.

the duke got a bar. now the only thing he is missing is the tip jar.

hail mary full of grace the lord is with the. blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb jesus. holy mary mother of god pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. amen.

our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

he pretended that he loved me from far away but he really didn’t. the things he said were just lyrics and they were as make believe as his music. i could hear it but i couldn’t keep in touch with all the distance between us. it was my fault for believing the letters just like everyone else believes what’s written. if its in black and white then it must be real and if its made the morning pages then its definitely not fiction. i believe things when i feel them and i feel sorry for those people who only believe what they see.

these guys used to be called sundown but now they don’t have a name. they’re just 3 guys with guitars who recorded demos across the pond and came back home to play rockwood on friday at 10.

the duke called in sick because he didn’t feel like going to work. he’s employed on a visa for an english company and he gets unlimited sick days and american insurance. i saw sicko and that’s the best of both worlds. i got fired last week for missing too much work so at the moment i don’t have either of those things. what i do have is a roof over my head and a metro card in my pocket that will take me to the seaside. sometimes its nice to get out of the city.

if you think the grass is greener on the other side then by all means please leave. i love you so i’ll just watch you go and don’t worry because i’m not gonna try and stop you or try to get you to come back around. i’ll wave to your back side and wait for you to look behind even though i know that you won’t. i love you so i will leave you alone.

one time he came over with his vaporizer and we got really high. we talked all night but i forgot everything we said. i remember him kissing my cheek and i thought he was sweet. i kissed his lips and one thing led to the condom he had in his wallet. after he was done he got up and i thought he was going to the bathroom. instead he put on his socks then pants and bent down to kiss me on my forehead. he was out the door before i could even protest. now i find it amusing and i know that its not me and it is him. i will forgive but i will get revenge. i took the underwear he left in my bed to the gig and i hung them on his car antenna like a white flag with skids.

i met an old lady on the street selling ninety-nine cent dreams. she told me i was guaranteed at least one but i would have much better luck buying the deal for three times the fun. i took her word and she handed me the package i paid for with pennies then i went on my way to the next persons’ needs with my magic bag filled to the brim with something pretend. until this day it remains unopened.

there i was all dressed in gold wondering up and down the aisles with things bought and sold like my soul to the devil. if only i realized i could have made twice what i did had i paid him on a tuesday. oh well i am not alone and everything comes back around three fold. you made your decision and that’s all. everything’s marked final. you will not budge from where your feet got cemented to the surface and you stay carefully upon it as if you’re walking on liquid. the problem is you’re standing still pretending you see further than the tip of you nose through those bi-focals you carefully clean with your handkerchief. you’re blind to the fact that you can step out of your shoes and your souls will follow you like shadows. they are the only ones who won’t leave you alone even though your feet may get cold.

where did i go wrong? it had to be when i believed the things that you said, i gave you my trust and i shouldn’t have. i should have given you a napkin with do you like me written on it and waited until you circled yes instead of written my digits. i wouldn’t have waited so long for the outcome. i thought i had intuition but i guess when it comes to lust i just don’t listen to my gut. i took every precaution, i shaved my legs and put on your favorite lotion. i read your text messages over and over again and i feel asleep holding my phone in my hand. i drank a bottle of champagne and i danced alone all dressed up with no where to go.

okay so i’m trying to figure out why the fuck someone would leave a dead eaten fish on my door step. i wonder if that stray cat put it here as a present? is this some kind of sick joke and somebody’s playing tricks? was it the neighborhood kids or the ones from the projects? i almost stepped on it and if that was the case then i would have been pissed. should i be threatened and have someone saw off my shot gun for my protection? i have the right to bear arms and shoot if someone not welcome enters my home. maybe it was intended for a different stoop and the mafia from the restaurant on the corner put it on mine by accident. fuck threats. not going to worry about it because i bet it was the irs.

its not my fault. i didn’t do it on purpose and i’m sorry. can’t you just please accept my apology. i promise it won’t happen again. i’ve learned my lesson and i can’t change what hasn’t happened. i wish i could just do it all over again. please give me another chance. i know i can prove to you that i’m worth it. just give me some credit, don’t i deserve it? just a little bit is all i ask and i know you have it. pretty please. do i have to get on knees and bow my head with my hands clasped in front of my chest? do you want me to look more fucking desperate? i’m already crying. please i’ll do anything if you’ll only just let me in. pretty please its freezing. what the fuck do you just not care that i get hypothermia and they have to amputate my toes and my nose. from now on i’m going to stay inside so that i don’t get stuck out in the fucking cold. you’re a locksmith and you have tools. what do i have to do for you so you get me in to where i live?

i can’t even admit to myself what i did.

whatever i was thinking is not going to happen and i have to just stop. you are not who i thought and i am not what you want. they told me to go to the back of the line when i tried to cut in front. they said i have to take a number and wait until every one else is taken care of. i took off before i got one. don’t worry i’m not gonna call, i won’t interrupt because i’ve already given up. i kept my boots on and i’d rather tip toe than jump. my problem is that i’ve already created a delusion of you and fantasizing about the outcome will only lead me to disappointment. right now in my head you’re perfect but if i try to pursue anything it will leave me at fault. i’m not one of those girls that tries to call attention to myself and i’m not the one who stands out in a crowd. maybe you’ll be there and i’ll see you from across the room trying not stare. yeah, so whatever. i’m going home with someone else and you my friend are going no where.

me and my friend sarah thought we were awesome because we both had boyfriends who didn’t play football. in high school these people were commonly referred to as “burn outs”. friday nights were always game nights and one weekend my parents decided to go out of town. at practice we told our coach we were going with them and weren’t going to be cheering at the big game. they were scheduled to leave in the evening so sarah came home with me. we got ready for the game, dressed in our uniforms and curled our pony tails. we packed our bags with clothes to wear to sarah’s boyfriend’s bonfire and the bottle of absolute we got someone to buy for us at the party store. for some reason loitering always seemed to work well for me. we said goodbye to my mum and pop and pretended to go meet the rest of our team but instead we started drinking. my parents are smarter than i thought and they knew something was up. they went to the game instead of going up north and ran into our coach. she said i thought the girls were with you and they said no, they left for the game and had to drive because they missed the bus. we were so busted. both of us got kicked off the squad and our team lost.

gimme an F! gimme an A! gimme an H! gimme a Q!

what’s that spell?!?!?

FAH-Q

[repeat over and over and over and over again]