xoxo, nico

so friday night’s gonna be fun. atomictom’s on at arlene’s at eight. derek james is playing highline right before josh dion band celebrates a cd release. imagine all the ex-lovers i could potentially run into. wes hutchinson’s in town playing with clay aiken so the oracle fit him into a nine o’clock slot at rockwood. he’s going to be on tv all next week because some producer recommended him to the idol loser’s people. i wonder if all that air time will add up to fifteen minutes of fame and if he was playing letterman i totally would have been holding his hand. he was supposed to stay with me but he choose duchess instead because she lives on the a train and that’s closer to gibson. yeah whatever, love you too wes.

the kills are playing webster hall on thursday night and i get to go because my darling friend jess king has spare ticket. jamie “hotel” hince is a lucky mother fucker to have kate moss waiting for him in london. i wonder if pete doherty is jealous but probably not because he’s with miss winehouse someplace all cracked out. pete moved out of kate’s place last july, she fell in love with another guitarist then declared engagement by september. moss is more of rock star than the two of them put together. brilliant, i love it. if there was anyone’s life that i could trade for mine it would be kate’s because we have the same measurements so all of her clothes would fit. i think the next person i “date” should have an english accent and play the bass.

i dragged the duke to see my brother play way the fuck out in rockville centre. its metal and at those shows people used to mosh but now it has evolved into a thing they call pit dancing. the flail their arms and legs so fast it looks like they’re going to loose limbs. an innocent bystander got hit so hard it broke her nose and she was dripping blood all over the floor. it looked like this other kid purposefully jumped onto the ring of people trying to keep their distance from the pit so the duke got pissed. he tapped him on the shoulder and screamed in his face that you don’t do that to girls and have some respect. another kid came too close to me so the duke kicked him in his kidney. this music is so awesome that it makes people go crazy.

duchess got word that adam duritz was going to be at canal room because he’s working with a new artist. she is obsessed with him for one because he’s jewish and duchess loves being jewish but more importantly because she thinks he’s one of the best song writers of our generation. he got on stage and sang background for hip hop to rock. i was wearing a short tweed skirt and the club owner hit on me so we got up the steps to vip only. when they were done playing the band came up to mingle so i complimented the skull belt on the dude who played keys and that got us down to the basement; me on my knees.

i have never seen duchess so star struck.

my grandpa died on my dad’s younger brother’s birthday in 1992. my grandma died on my dad’s older brother’s birthday almost exactly 13 years later in 2005. on new years day 2006 my little brother got a phone call that there was to be another funeral.

i met the guy at the bottom of this picture right after my grandpa died when we were in seventh grade. his little brother is above him on the top left and my little brother is next to him on the bottom right. we all grew up together in a small town called romeo and the three of them have been playing together for the last seven years. they are the front man and the rhythm section of red i flight, a metal band that got signed by victory seven months ago currently on tour with across five aprils. they wrote a song inspired by the time the front man and the drummer’s grandparents dressed in their best and danced to an old record before the grandfather committed premeditated murder suicide with his wife. they ended their lives together on new years eve and “bullets over prayers” was written as an attempt to wake up the dead.

some people’s lives are routine and everyday can be the same subway steps to the the same revolving door to the same elevator down the same hall to the same cubicle. they all wear panty hose and stilettos, cufflinks and neck ties so i stand out in my t-shirt and knee highs. i was just not cut out for this nine to five and i’d much rather have slept in this morning.

i should have stayed in last night and did my laundry. this is what happens when i forget about my limit and i keep going. when i woke up he was sleeping next to me so i got dressed and ready to leave silently. i said i wouldn’t do this again but for some reason i keep giving in because i suppose i don’t like to wake up alone. i was going to sneak out so i wouldn’t have to say goodbye but he woke up and i had to confront what i had done. we’re friends with the same circle and i’ll see him around but i have to stop the spontaneous phone calls or else things could get dangerous. i had to put an end to it while i was still ahead. its been going on too long and it got complicated. there’s no such thing as a part-time relationship and pretending that its going to work out in the end is simply my imagination. it is impossible to be monogamous without having a commitment and i can’t love someone who i don’t trust. we are just too different so why should i keep prolonging the past when there is no future for us.

no matter where i am i will always be the one that fell too far from the tree.

if i didn’t get so wasted last night maybe i would have enjoyed going outside and listening the birds chirping in seventy degrees. if i lived by the coast maybe i would have taken of my boots and left my foot prints in the sand. maybe i should have gone for a bike ride to the park or read a book in the breeze. none of that happened. instead i stayed inside and watched daytime television. i thought about taking a walk but that made my head pound so i got into bed and i am never getting out.

often times i am bribed with possibilities but it turns out i end up working for free. i passed this backpacker on the street and he was holding a sign that said he will work for weed. i wondered how much time i’d get to boss him around for a dime. it won’t be long until i’m in his shoes and i start auctioning off all i’ve got left. it would make everything so much easier if money just fucking grew on trees.

New York City Code § 10-125a(2)b. Consumption of alcohol on streets prohibited. No person shall drink or consume an alcoholic beverage, or possess, with intent to drink or consume, an open container containing an alcoholic beverage in any public place.

i left spike hill with a glass of white wine in my left hand and we walked several blocks before we realized that i broke the law but i did not get caught. ha.

making my way in the world today takes everything i’ve got. taking a break from all my worries sure would help alot. i would just like to get away. sometimes i want to go where everybody knows my name…and they’re always glad i came. i wanna be where i can see our troubles are all the same. i wanna go where everybody knows my name.

she had a five dollar special and i rang the bell. she welcomed me in and said please have a seat. i held out my hand and she traced the lines on my palm with her ring finger’s red nail. she said you wear a mask and i surround myself with negative people. that no matter what is happening i will always be just strong enough to make it through tragedies. she said i have a tortured old soul and i will die because of heart complications after i live a long life. according to my palm i should be a mother and the person who i’m in love with does not love me in return. then she let go and asked me to hand her a twenty so she could tell me something that would alter my eternity. i said i would be right back i just have to go to the machine and get more money. as she was locking the door behind me i think that possibly she predicted that i lie through my teeth.

i filled for an extension today with the irs. i owe the government money and i don’t have it. my balance in my account is embarrassing and i have no savings to help me. nobody to bail me out of the mess i’ve created for myself. one time someone told me that a person’s success is calculated by the digits on his bank statement. some people get lucky because they get an inheritance or maybe they won the lottery or they started something brilliant like girls gone wild. artists top the charts with a song and we wonder why its a hit. the point is that no matter what craigslist ad i reply to my life is always going to be about rolling the die. sometimes i almost have it but in the end i just miss.

sometimes new york is like a ghost town even though there are so many people around. its like this day and night and its fucked up how alone i can feel when i’m completely surrounded. i wonder up and down the same streets and each time i notice something different even though i’m watching the same thing. somebody asks me for change and people talk in different languages. sometimes what they said could be translated with common sense and i always pretend i can comprehend. my life depends on crosswalks and signs but for some reason i end up going the opposite way all the time. its only for a block or so then i realize the sun is in my eyes and i’m walking on the wrong side. sometimes i wish i had run away. i thought i could turn my back on that person but in retrospect i couldn’t and maybe i would have bumped into the one had i gone right instead of to my other left.

so i heard you’ve been introducing someone as your girlfriend. people have seen you two around acting like you’re all in love but i haven’t yet had the pleasure of running into you together. i’m sure its going to happen sooner or later and until then i’m praying i can find someone to hide behind. the thought of you with another girl makes me sick to my stomach and the thought of having to shake her hand and say pleased to meet you makes me dizzy. all i want to know is why the fuck you picked her and not me? anything she can do i can do better but you wouldn’t know that because you never even gave me another chance encounter. i am second best and i always will be because i put you all in this so called second to none category. in conclusion its not you. its me.

okay so look this is awkward but i just need to know. you call me when when you’re wasted and you tell me you miss me. i end up in a cab and paying money i don’t have just to get to your place. you treat me like a princess and make me coffee with blueberry pancakes in the morning. for a few hours we’re in love but in the mean time i hear nothing. i don’t know anything about you except for what i see in your medicine cabinet or underneath your sink. your refrigerator is always empty. what you do with most of your time is a complete and total mystery to me. on the other hand i guess you have no idea about me either. if you wanted to know then maybe we would converse more than we watched videos. if you asked i don’t even think i would know what to say so i’d probably just make something up. i can be whatever i want to be because i guess i don’t want you to know the real me.