xoxo, nico

i haven’t left brooklyn in 3 days. the farthest i’ve gone from my bedroom is a few blocks down the street. i have no excuse for staying inside when the weather is nothing less that gorgeous but i just can’t get out of the mind set that something is coming and i should stay at a close distance from these four walls for my own protection. i’m safe here away from suicide bombers and terrorists. i quit feeling sorry for you because you’re the victim so i’m the one who will be hiding out. i can’t take away what happened and i’m sick and tired of being the one feeling guilty for all these little white lies created by everybody else. fiction is an extension of the truth and every single one of us have to live with ourselves.

i loved you as if there was no such thing as yesterday or tomorrow. i put it all in and i gave every ounce of my effort because with you i figured there was nothing i needed to borrow. maybe you noticed the blood that dripped from the finger tip i pricked, the sweat on my upper lip or the tears that slipped off of my chin. maybe you didn’t or just ignored it instead. maybe i was the only one who was in it because all you’ve ever done is left me wondering why you are always so distant. the blind fold i got when we met is still secured around my head and i don’t believe i will ever be able to untie its knot. like its stuck on and i’m never going to get it off. i got caught up in pretending that you were perfect so i started seeing what i wanted to believe when i should have shut the door behind me as i showed myself out. i wish i could shake you by your shoulders and the surface would clean itself like an etch a sketch. then maybe we could start fresh again like our past could never catch up to us as if it was a present.

sometimes getting out of bed is the hardest thing. eating is inconvenient and all i wish is that the food was somehow miraculously in my stomach. picking up the phone is like having to lift one of those logs in that strongest man competition. i hear it ringing and i see who’s calling but i can’t bring myself to say the word hello because if i pressed accept it would blow up romeo. its like that guy who sits in a hole and waits for the president to call the red phone and give the command that kills a bunch of people. i stay in my room because i’m afraid that if i go out doors the sky will cave in and my shoulders can’t hold all the weight of the world. i know its not my fault but i can’t help but think that there has to be something more. that there’s something out there that connects all these dots and blurs together the rest of this puzzle. the fact of the matter is that whatever i keep looking for does not exist because i watched too many episodes of unsolved mysteries when i was a kid. depression is the bait that caught the fish.

today i’m packing my bags and heading to switzerland because for some reason i wound up in the wrong spot. off the radar and smack in the middle of the bermuda triangle and i don’t know how the fuck i’m going to get out. the issues that the people i know are going through take me away from my own and distract me from my reality. its a hot mess of mistakes and consequences on top of actions that contradict statements plus business for pleasure on purpose. you told me something different than what i heard you said to them and i know somebody must have been led to believe you weren’t lying. it takes one to know one so you can’t hide from me because i saw your true colors from a mile ahead.

however, if i was a train wreck away from my apartment then i would probably go see the guitar player on saturday night live playing his own set at mercury. that is only if i can bring myself to see you and i can find an umbrella because when it rains it pours.

welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends. what you are supposed to do is copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you’ll send. change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to your friends including the person who sent it to you. the theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, that you might not have known!

* what time did you get up today? when duchess called at 12:13 * diamonds or pearls? diamonds * what was the last film you saw at the cinema? i’m not there with cate blanchett * what is your favorite television show? family guy * what do you usually have for breakfast? coffee and cigarettes* what is your middle name? marie * what food do you dislike? tofu * what is your favorite cd at the moment? the raconteurs – consolers of the lonely * what kind of car do you drive? i hail a cab * favorite sandwich? turkey with muenster and mayo on a roll * what characteristic do you despise? tempers * favorite item of clothing? white boots * if you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would it be? greece * what color is your bathroom? needs to be cleaned * favorite brand of clothing? free people * where would you retire to? paris * what was your most memorable birthday? sixteen candles * favorite sport to watch? gymnastics * farthest place you are sending this? detroit * who do you least expect to send this back? myself * person you expect to send it back first? no reply necessary * favorite saying? i do what i want * when is your birthday? september sixteenth * are you a morning person or a night person? night * who is your favorite person on the tele? kate moss * pets? none * any new and exciting news you’d like to share with us? i’m not allowed to tell anyone * what did you want to be when you were little? a brain sugeon * what are you now? a free spirit * what is your favorite candy? hershey’s milk chocolate * what is your favorite flower? orchids * what is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? the day away * what church do you attend? stupid question * what is your full name? miss nicole marie polec * what are you listening to right now? the rain * what was the last thing you ate? calamari * do you wish on stars? only shooting ones * if you were a crayon what color would you be? red * how is the weather right now? miserable * last person you spoke to on the phone? duchess * do you like the person who sent this to you? i love her * favorite soft drink? coke a cola classic * favorite restaurant? cheers * what color is your hair? black * what color are your eyes? green * favorite day of the year? friday the thirteenth * what was your favorite toy as a child? a microphone * summer or winter? summer * hugs or kisses? kisses * chocolate or vanilla? chocolate * do you want your friends to email you back? i expect it * when was the last time you cried? last night on my pillow * what is under your bed? a suitcase * how did you feel about heath ledger’s death? bad for michelle williams and their kid * what did you do last night? started at cafe charbon and then went to essex * favorite smell? cocoa butter * what are you afraid of? getting knocked up * plain, buttered, or salted popcorn? butter and garlic salt * how many keys on your key ring? four different apartments * how many years at your current job? three * favorite day of the week? wednesday * how many towns have you lived in? ten * do you make friends easily? depends * how many people will you be sending this to? just me *

* ummm this post was created under the influence of boredom *

when i pushed my way up to the front of the crowd matt was rolling around and singing from the ground. rich girls are bringing back the punk show thing like it was at cbgb’s circa 1973. i kept getting bumped into and spilling my wine all on my wrist which was annoying until i drank a few glasses of it. it was good to see rich girls on an actual stage and not at cockwood. the dig played after them and the floor got even more packed that it would have been pointless to get any closer. i stayed in the back where its dark and i can dance safely. its nights like these that remind me rock and roll is something you feel and who ever said that it was dead should get out more often.

so i run into mike v parking his motorcycle on lucky thirteenth street and boys who got bikes are so much hotter than the ones who walk. i’d like to ride on it and i bet he has an extra helmet. he told me he’s playing pianos tonight and i’m hoping he’ll take me home after the show. if i was a rich girl i wouldn’t need him and i could buy my own.

i know secrets. i’m not allowed to say anything to anyone and it’s all hush hush. don’t ask don’t tell relationships are the new trend but when the truth comes out someone’s gonna get fucked. its the sticky situations that get me in trouble. i always open my fucking mouth when i shouldn’t and then all of a sudden i find my self explaining something i shouldn’t even be telling to the person i’m standing in front of. its not my fault i swear it was the truth serum they spiked my sauvignon blanc with. woops i did it again and then a friend looses his job or someone blows up.

dreama walker, aka hazel on gossip girl looking like she loves limes at alligator lounge in williamsburg and she is delicious in person.

there’s no way that a dreamer and a realist can co-exist. more than anything i would like to prove you wrong but you’re smarter than i am. you’ll look it up and find out the facts on wikipedia.com then i’ll end up feeling like the stupid one. what i believe in is completely opposite of what the scientific method says and there’s no way that i can make you see something different. our theories are are two variant things and there’s no explanation for what we believe only i think i might be the only one who’s actually believing in anything. and for what? for setting myself up for another failure or experimenting with a future even though i know it will never be good enough no matter what. no matter where i go you will be there without me and no matter who i see i will look for what i want to be true. what if i always try to find what i thought i saw in you.

somewhere in between brent shuttleworth and freeman i was outside rockwood with witnesses. a lady was riding her bike in the street and got hit by most likely a drunk driver from new jersey or connecticut. the bystanders said she flew ten feet before she landed on the pavement unconscious and the crash made the most horrible noise they ever heard. they saw the car sit for a minute and then take off before the police and emt’s arrived on the scene. hit and run 101, you are more likely to get the maximum punishment for vehicular manslaughter if you split, idiot.

ironically i came back inside as freeman was finishing a song called girl who broke in two.

i do say that angry hacker is well hung indeed. my cheerleading skills come in handy when i’m up on a ladder banging nails and playing with wire. i like the way it feels when i’m on top up high.

someone told me once that the only thing cocaine makes you want to do is more and i concur whole heartedly with that statement. the thing they forgot to mention was that the person you’re doing it with is never going to shut up. they will talk your ear off over the music no matter how loud it is about anything that happens to come up. my train of thought gets lost after a few seconds so i always forget what i wanted to respond with when it comes to politics, religion or the social practices of our friends. i usually just keep my mouth shut and pay attention cutting it up instead of trying to shout above somebody else. i don’t remember what was said because i was too busy absorbing more important stuff in my head.

we were up on the balcony to the left of the stage when i looked up at the ceiling and saw flames. i tapped jess on the shoulder, pointed up and she said that has to be some kind of effect. this was 2 seconds prior to four police men running past us to gain access to the roof. it was on fire and it was only the third song which sucks because i figured they were going to kick us all out. i’m thinking how the fuck can webster hall be on fire, is this for real? by then we could smell smoke so i take jess by the arm forget my jacket and get down to the lower level as fast as we can. the kills and the rest of the crowd was clueless until security came on stage, took vv’s microphone mid verse and said okay stop drop and roll to your closest exit people.

luckily nobody was injured and the firefighters determined it was only a small electrical fire. they opened the doors back up and the kills got to finish the show while kate moss watched the back of vv and hotel from the lime light on stage right. we slipped past the vip guard during the encore and mingled with all of them after the show. moss was drunk and the only one allowed to smoke cigarettes on the floor because i guess when you’re beautiful you’re privileged too so rules don’t apply to you.

what an interesting night this turned out to be.