xoxo, nico

what if we are all accidents and the only compassion we get comes from reasons beyond our control. i knew it was a mistake to let you take it away but i never thought it could get thrown back in my face. this is no longer a friendship because you turned it into a business in a fraction of a second. i saved you hundreds of notes and it took threats to get you to return what you said your dog named dylan broke. its all good though i’ll take the blame and make it all my fault because i don’t know i suppose its karma that’s come back to haunt me because i didn’t deserve what was served on the silver platter two hours before i pawned it. the problem with this economy is that everyone believes they should get something for free like they’re entitled to it and then here we all are wondering what the future holds and pretend we can figure out whats going to happen. i’ve always thought that if i did have millions it would be a dying shame if i couldn’t spend all of it in one day on things that make the people i live for win the game.

all we can remember is what tore us both us apart instead of what’s forgotten at the bottom of our hearts…smiles filled the silences and laughter filled the sound and everyday was more important when you were around…

loss is uncontrolled and that is what makes it so aggressively painful.

seeing is believing and looks are all i’ve got to live off. i’ve hit rock bottom and i’ll stay down here waiting until it never changes even if my palms slap a hard place like high fives after try to scrape myself off the surface again and again until i  end up at the beginning. i pretend its all okay and its gonna be alright but that’s just a sorry excuse to cover up what is yet to happen. i can’t stop a flutter bye from flapping the wings that cause the chaos around me and i try everyday to make them feel better about themselves in hopes it will save me one day but i’m beginning to realize that if i go missing or disappear then no one would care. i received an invitation in the post yesterday from an old friend who found happiness and it said i hope you can be there to celebrate my love, don’t hesitate to bring presents and cards with notes that say congratulations sealed with an account balance that covers the check enclosed. i rsvp’d but i know its not customary to arrive empty handed because no matter how much effort i put into anything i’m always going to be left trying to find the exit out of my own empty ballroom.

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”

live every day like you won’t die or you will be lost forever.

maybe the reason why i’ve lost everything is simple…its always been my fault. i should have stayed home tonight but instead i wandered around trying to find something i should have forgot. i found you at the same time i lost my identity and for the last four months i keep crashing and burning until one day i’m going to end up buried beneath ashes that cover up the path you crossed. its not easy getting all my ducks to play in a row so all these pieces under my feet are what keep me incomplete. souvenirs from tragedies. the next time you see one of those bag ladies with a shopping cart full of god knows what do yourself a favor and pretend you weren’t looking. if she was me then i believe each empty bag would represent what it feels like every time i see those numbers over and over in my head like the ticker stopped in the middle of counting down until i get to push the button that will keep blinking red. i wonder what a psychologist would think if he spent fifty five hours over the course of two weeks with yours truly.