xoxo, nico

there’s the mean time and then there’s the time being but in my world it just seems like time is just being mean to me. i ran out of it hours, days, weeks and months flashes ago. i wasted it all laying in bed waiting for you to come calling. i wonder if you heard what i did. i wonder if you care that i may as well be in a coffin or maybe you’re the one silently punishing me for my actions. go ahead and try to make me feel guilty. try to make me feel like i’m the one that did something wrong. guess what: i can justify anything i do in the blink of your eye and out of the corner of mine i’ll watch myself leaving; go on now, sneak out the back door but you can’t come after me when you’re sustained by the grip of the pour little heiress you picked when you decided to get even your with your instinct. its too late to say you’re sorry and it takes to much energy to hate being in the same time at the same place. you are to blame for the demons you swallow like the larva floating at the bottom of a tequila bottle.

well hello there best friend, aka sunshine. i will never unconditionally love anything the same way i love you and i don’t even care that you left me for digital. she’s pretty with so many more capabilities and a really nice body. i can’t even compete. it was like a slap in the face when i found out you developed a relationship with technology, i should have saw it coming. in an instant my life changed and now it will never be the same. i keep trying to convert but its so difficult. i can’t get over how much i think about you and how long i can stare at the memories i secretly keep in a hat box hidden underneath his box spring. our love has been and will forever be forbidden.

stay tuned…

what if we are all accidents and the only compassion we get comes from reasons beyond our control. i knew it was a mistake to let you take it away but i never thought it could get thrown back in my face. this is no longer a friendship because you turned it into a business in a fraction of a second. i saved you hundreds of notes and it took threats to get you to return what you said your dog named dylan broke. its all good though i’ll take the blame and make it all my fault because i don’t know i suppose its karma that’s come back to haunt me because i didn’t deserve what was served on the silver platter two hours before i pawned it. the problem with this economy is that everyone believes they should get something for free like they’re entitled to it and then here we all are wondering what the future holds and pretend we can figure out whats going to happen. i’ve always thought that if i did have millions it would be a dying shame if i couldn’t spend all of it in one day on things that make the people i live for win the game.

all we can remember is what tore us both us apart instead of what’s forgotten at the bottom of our hearts…smiles filled the silences and laughter filled the sound and everyday was more important when you were around…

loss is uncontrolled and that is what makes it so aggressively painful.

seeing is believing and looks are all i’ve got to live off. i’ve hit rock bottom and i’ll stay down here waiting until it never changes even if my palms slap a hard place like high fives after try to scrape myself off the surface again and again until i  end up at the beginning. i pretend its all okay and its gonna be alright but that’s just a sorry excuse to cover up what is yet to happen. i can’t stop a flutter bye from flapping the wings that cause the chaos around me and i try everyday to make them feel better about themselves in hopes it will save me one day but i’m beginning to realize that if i go missing or disappear then no one would care. i received an invitation in the post yesterday from an old friend who found happiness and it said i hope you can be there to celebrate my love, don’t hesitate to bring presents and cards with notes that say congratulations sealed with an account balance that covers the check enclosed. i rsvp’d but i know its not customary to arrive empty handed because no matter how much effort i put into anything i’m always going to be left trying to find the exit out of my own empty ballroom.

live every day like you won’t die or you will be lost forever.

maybe the reason why i’ve lost everything is simple…its always been my fault. i should have stayed home tonight but instead i wandered around trying to find something i should have forgot. i found you at the same time i lost my identity and for the last four months i keep crashing and burning until one day i’m going to end up buried beneath ashes that cover up the path you crossed. its not easy getting all my ducks to play in a row so all these pieces under my feet are what keep me incomplete. souvenirs from tragedies. the next time you see one of those bag ladies with a shopping cart full of god knows what do yourself a favor and pretend you weren’t looking. if she was me then i believe each empty bag would represent what it feels like every time i see those numbers over and over in my head like the ticker stopped in the middle of counting down until i get to push the button that will keep blinking red. i wonder what a psychologist would think if he spent fifty five hours over the course of two weeks with yours truly.