xoxo, nico

the person who i end up with is going to have to understand that they will live with never understanding my thought process. the train makes me late all the time and i don’t think before i say things but i don’t believe in time or the point of listening to my inner monologue. it takes too much time to analyze what i should of said rather than wasting more time than i need to make a decision. i do what i want and i won’t pay attention to rules or permission. anything they can do i can do different. i try not to plan things more in advance than the wednesday after next and i always forget until i have to choose to dismiss fifteen minutes before an appointment. if i have cash in my pocket book then consider it spent on knees highs and panties instead of doing my laundry. i’m not bad girl i swear you could take me home to your mum if she had given you balls. call me if you want some.

i saw the horizon rise from across the line where blue met blue and i let you go inside the footsteps you made in the sand when i followed. i have a stamp on my passport to prove i have been there and done that only to board up the windows when i left those palm trees and blue skies inside of your shadows. when its below zero its harder to be alone and when it snows i hope my pilot light doesn’t go out only because this is when i depend on it most. you’re free to do as you please and i promise i won’t bother you if the moon glows that honey color when its hangs low. remember that old saying everybody knows that goes all good things must come to an end but that person never said whether or not that close could mean the start of plus one sorrow beginning. once upon a time i believed you when you told me i was no more than a small part of your big image but then i guess i must not have been listening. my hypothesis is that we both simply have been playing pretend so you can cover your eyes and count on me disappearing by the time you reach ten.

the fact of any matter is that we are all living in a world of denial and assumptions, scandal and secrets on top of all the evil that the truth brings out in us. its like a cherry underneath a layer of whipped cream on top of two kinds of ice cream. is it code if i ask you to knock three times on my door and i unlock it dressed in a towel with dripping wet hair that i should be inclined to give you exactly what you think i called you over in the middle of the night for. its a fifty fifty chance whether or not you’re going to get lucky or if i’m going to just lead you on until your feet freeze and eyes turn green. i get off on you watching you beg for what you want and more often than not you’ll have to pin my back against a wall in order to make me give up. i am innocent even if they find me guilty because i could make you think anything i want and all i would have to do is take a walk around any block in the east village.

get

over

shit

we got to the point that instead of looking into each others eyes we sit across and catch a sideways glance. it’s so much safer to spill our guts on clicking keys instead of face these things but then the outcome ends up nothing. no climax in connection, unstated understanding, no crooked smirk that means they know that you know that they know…remember the park times, the one lines, the sad signs, the bonding crimes? so now what? i get exhausted just remembering what it was like to feel something in my gut. its exhausting just thinking of starting it with someone new and afraid of it bringing me back to that same old scene where the moment is unnatural but utterly romantic. maybe i’ll think its different, like this is new, this is not you…a free fall in connection, unstated understanding, a crooked smirk that meant that he knew that i knew that he knew. another humdrum run to run. so what if I drink a bottle a day, or drift away. there is nothing left to say.

so much for hoping he was the next one and only. so much for his potential and the mixed messages in the voice mailed to me or the text he sent while he painted the town red. i thought he was different for a second and for the first time in my life i was going to try to take it slow instead of letting him rip off all my clothes as soon as i stepped foot over the threshold. they win when most of the time i loose but the truth is i’m really not that into the competition. what i don’t get is why he tried to come in between me and duchess. he sent me a mixed message first but she happened to be the one out so i guess it was more convenient for him to get to her side of town. a little bird told me he was all over her and she couldn’t help but notice he was socially ackward. what the fuck i just don’t get why they all only go for what they believe is easy. guess what: i have never had to work for what i got.

thank you for coming. thanks for my wish. its my party, i will fucking cry if i want to and i curse the day you were born. dick.

you let me down. i begged you like lennon but instead you decided to abandon me while we were in the same bed. maybe i should have voiced my opinion but i know you well enough to call that you’d probably just agree with anything i said. there is no way in hell that you would fight to keep nothing. i don’t have the balls to say all the things i think and most of the time i’d rather fuck you then lie through my teeth. i wonder if you kiss her the way you kiss me in the morning and maybe you run your fingertips all over her bare skin with your lips on her neck. i bet she really liked it and i wonder if you were thinking about her when your mouth was on my stomach. we’re not together so this is not supposed to be fucking with my head. every body i know is looking for the next best thing and i’m bored of giving all of it up for nothing. i thought i could handle using you for a lover but i guess i’m just not old enough even when i’m not the one who has to grow up. i shouldn’t be crying myself to sleep in a hotel room while you are lying to the right of me. in the mean time i am pretending that it will kill you if i am the one who stumbles upon a fantasy. i’ve come to the conclusion that you will never be able to please me completely. you never wasted your time getting to know me.

i watched too many fairy tales when i was a child. there is no such thing as a prince in shining armor who’s going to kiss me and wake me from a day dream or leave me wild flowers and a poem hanging from a string around my dead bolt. i am in love with make believe and brilliant cut things but a kiss on the cheek is good enough for me. cross my heart. hope to die. stick a needle in my eye.

if i had a choice i think i would choose sticks and stones over knowing the names of all the girls who’s numbers are programed in your little black phone. its so easy with me because i can peel off my clothes and show you everything from my head to my heals. you see what you want on the surface but my mistake is trying to show you that there’s a treasure buried underneath and in between each of these layers. i believe you refuse to see past what you can’t reach and you are not the one who is playing for keeps. so please just stop trying to keep in touch with me.

when the metal band my brother plays bass in got signed i told my then musician boyfriend and he couldn’t believe that some shit band from some shit town in the mid west got a deal when there are so many people here in new york city who are so much more worthy of distribution. he said it like they didn’t work hard to create a cult following at home with their grass roots and stuck together for six years before they could celebrate victory. i guess that’s not worth a pretty penny. this is also the same person who told me once how he noticed me in a room full of patrons while he was on stage with the previous lover and he remembered mentally pointing at me as if i was a shiny new toy waiting to be picked off the shelf. he had no idea duchess and me were connected and mr. white is the reason why i met all of them. not long after that the duke came across the pond and maybe we were all happy for a second but i can’t change the fact that we are all still here waiting for someone to blow up. they say you need to have patience because good things come to those who wait but i don’t believe in that statement. maybe we do make our own fate and we’re alive only because we left the right place in the right time. bad things happen to me and you. self destruct in five four three two

sometimes you win and sometimes you loose. i’ve never been the most competitive person and i honestly don’t care if i end any race in last place. i guess i always believed in the riddle first is the worst and second is the best. i don’t finish last because i’m nice, it’s because i don’t want to compete. there may be no i in the word team but if you take away the t and a you can spell me if you happen to be dyslexic. i’m into the players, not the game.

maybe i just wasn’t cut out for a mini van and a white picket fence for curb appeal. when i go to the suburbs i like to take off my knee highs and walk baby steps with my bare feet on fresh cut green grass. i know all these couples who are devoted to one another like my parents. they grew up across the street from each other then after they graduated they eloped and got married in rome. i’ve heard of great love stories but all the tragedies i know of will forever out way any tall tale.

the ball was in your court but oops you dropped it again when i never stopped rooting for the home team. i decided you were dead to me the day you spit in my face and since then things haven’t changed. they will never be the same. the toys you manipulated turned their tables and now your the one who’s left all by yourself in a padded room with white noise that badly needs a coat of paint the true color of your lies. you committed a perfect ten of the seven deadly sins and in the beginning it seemed like someone was going to get a story tail ending. poor things for believing what you were saying but i must admit that it was amusing to watch you choke after you slapped everyone you fucked in the face. it came as no surprise to me that they couldn’t see through all your shades of gray. it only makes me question my own loyalty because i kept secrets and lied through my teeth and almost tried to help you clean up your pieces. in some religions they would cut your dick off for what you’ve done. i may not believe in love nor even god but one thing i need to feel is trust and i would never break for your truth because you are just not good enough. loser.

my rock star brother’s flavor of the week rescued a puppy about a month ago and she randomly named it nico. i met her and i actually liked her because she doesn’t give a shit if i do or not so we got along. when we were kids mango and me used to fight like cats and dogs. supposedly i chased him around the house with a butcher knife one time while i was babysitting but i don’t remember this so it obviously did not happen. one time he threw a pencil at me from across the room and i was convinced he gave me lead poisoning because it stuck in my chest like an arrow head. the point of it is still under the surface of my skin but no matter what we’ve ever done i am the luckiest person because i get to share blood with him.

so its not you. its just me and i’m all by myself in the dark wondering why i’m not there and how you are everywhere. maybe its the first impression you make or how you got blinded by the smile you saw on my face. kind of like it hit you the way sun gets the top of puddles after it rains. maybe one day i’ll meet the person who can touch me kind of like that shine but i probably had never even noticed him on the street. perhaps our paths will cross and we’ll meet again the way they did in kodachrome movies or he could be sleeping right next to me facing the other way while i stay quiet pretending i can hear his heart beat. serenfuckingdipitydodah i gotta stop trying to connect all these dots, crossing hearts and rolling the die because i’ve learned its always the snake who stares you strait in the eyes. i’m exhausted but i don’t want to sleep so please i’d rather not then all of a sudden my subconscious stops and one thing leads to no question between why or why not. talent lies in whether or not i get caught.

life’s not fair.

i almost married someone because i was to scared to break up with him. we used to go at it like two stray cats and i would freeze when he couldn’t control his temper tantrums. that would just piss him off even more because he believed i was ignoring him so then he would make me flinch by almost hitting me with his fist, grab my shoulders and shake me or slam me against a wall so hard that i would end up with a bump hidden by the hair on my head. i used to keep a journal of all the things that he used to do to me, the things he’d say and the awful stuff i thought inspired by him when i got hurt. everyone has their fair share of personality disorders and i know i am guilty of several. he happen to be bi-polar, have adhd, post traumatic stress syndrome, and ocd. i thought if i cared enough then one day he would be a miracle. he used to get so jealous that i barely could even talk to anyone without him accusing me of something i was never guilty of. i planned the whole wedding and i had it almost all done; the band, the catering, the flowers, the dress and all the save the date cards had been sent out. the only thing missing was the undergarments, something borrowed and something blue. he took a cocktail that stole his libido so he stopped taking all the drugs and not long after that he started telling me i was worth nothing and i should just go kill myself. he got more and more violent to the point where i was living in this fear that if i said anything he might react by strangling. it wasn’t until after he put me in the hospital that i called everything off two months before i signed a contract.

on august 11 i was supposed to get married but instead i started my period and sat in the boston apartment we shared for two years all alone watching the storm. when it rains it pours. fast forward a couple years to when i first moved to new york and just got dumped by someone who told me that they would never love me. a mutual friend of ours popped the question to his lady and asked me to document their wedding. i agreed before they picked the date, started seeing someone else and then fell in love with my rebound. he broke my heart a week before the road trip to go shoot amy and pete’s special day in vermont when i shared the back seat with the friend who said i would never be his one and only. last year the sky was crystal clear blue on august 12.

it took two years of therapy before i realized this all wasn’t my fault. i can push buttons if i want and when i took a kung fu lesson i learned that walking away is the cleanest way to fight a battle i can’t win. i can cut off and it will be like we had never even been introduced and if i pass you on the street i will find the nearest avenue. you could be invisible if you’re rubbing elbows with me and i don’t really give a shit what you think. you can talk all you want and justify your actions with no remorse and all i’ll have to say is yeah, whatever, i’ve heard that line before.

dear homecoming queen, things are not always what they seem but i do wish you the best of who you see in between.