xoxo, nico

seeing is believing and looks are all i’ve got to live off. i’ve hit rock bottom and i’ll stay down here waiting until it never changes even if my palms slap a hard place like high fives after try to scrape myself off the surface again and again until i  end up at the beginning. i pretend its all okay and its gonna be alright but that’s just a sorry excuse to cover up what is yet to happen. i can’t stop a flutter bye from flapping the wings that cause the chaos around me and i try everyday to make them feel better about themselves in hopes it will save me one day but i’m beginning to realize that if i go missing or disappear then no one would care. i received an invitation in the post yesterday from an old friend who found happiness and it said i hope you can be there to celebrate my love, don’t hesitate to bring presents and cards with notes that say congratulations sealed with an account balance that covers the check enclosed. i rsvp’d but i know its not customary to arrive empty handed because no matter how much effort i put into anything i’m always going to be left trying to find the exit out of my own empty ballroom.

lately i’m beginning to think that no matter what i believe its nothing but an incomplete fantasy. i am normally abnormal and i don’t see things the way he does down on wall street. we are so opposite and the only time we would agree is when we were between the finest egytian cotton sheets. if i could take a piece or each of the celebrities i’ve been with and put them together like a puzzle i’d pick your kisses, his fingertips, the conversation with him, the way he held my hand with the way he had with words, his communication skills, the way you made me laugh until i almost peed my panties, his potential only with his success, how he never made me feel like i owed him a cent but with the way he watched me when i undressed. i never had anything to offer and i never expected anything in return. you can have all you want of me then maybe i can clear your plate then put it away in the cupboard nice and clean. each time i leave i sneak out the window and steal your spare keys.