xoxo, nico

thank you for coming. thanks for my wish. its my party, i will fucking cry if i want to and i curse the day you were born. dick.

if i had a choice i think i would choose sticks and stones over knowing the names of all the girls who’s numbers are programed in your little black phone. its so easy with me because i can peel off my clothes and show you everything from my head to my heals. you see what you want on the surface but my mistake is trying to show you that there’s a treasure buried underneath and in between each of these layers. i believe you refuse to see past what you can’t reach and you are not the one who is playing for keeps. so please just stop trying to keep in touch with me.

if you think the grass is greener on the other side then by all means please leave. i love you so i’ll just watch you go and don’t worry because i’m not gonna try and stop you or try to get you to come back around. i’ll wave to your back side and wait for you to look behind even though i know that you won’t. i love you so i will leave you alone.

one time he came over with his vaporizer and we got really high. we talked all night but i forgot everything we said. i remember him kissing my cheek and i thought he was sweet. i kissed his lips and one thing led to the condom he had in his wallet. after he was done he got up and i thought he was going to the bathroom. instead he put on his socks then pants and bent down to kiss me on my forehead. he was out the door before i could even protest. now i find it amusing and i know that its not me and it is him. i will forgive but i will get revenge. i took the underwear he left in my bed to the gig and i hung them on his car antenna like a white flag with skids.

i met an old lady on the street selling ninety-nine cent dreams. she told me i was guaranteed at least one but i would have much better luck buying the deal for three times the fun. i took her word and she handed me the package i paid for with pennies then i went on my way to the next persons’ needs with my magic bag filled to the brim with something pretend. until this day it remains unopened.

where did i go wrong? it had to be when i believed the things that you said, i gave you my trust and i shouldn’t have. i should have given you a napkin with do you like me written on it and waited until you circled yes instead of written my digits. i wouldn’t have waited so long for the outcome. i thought i had intuition but i guess when it comes to lust i just don’t listen to my gut. i took every precaution, i shaved my legs and put on your favorite lotion. i read your text messages over and over again and i feel asleep holding my phone in my hand. i drank a bottle of champagne and i danced alone all dressed up with no where to go.

whatever i was thinking is not going to happen and i have to just stop. you are not who i thought and i am not what you want. they told me to go to the back of the line when i tried to cut in front. they said i have to take a number and wait until every one else is taken care of. i took off before i got one. don’t worry i’m not gonna call, i won’t interrupt because i’ve already given up. i kept my boots on and i’d rather tip toe than jump. my problem is that i’ve already created a delusion of you and fantasizing about the outcome will only lead me to disappointment. right now in my head you’re perfect but if i try to pursue anything it will leave me at fault. i’m not one of those girls that tries to call attention to myself and i’m not the one who stands out in a crowd. maybe you’ll be there and i’ll see you from across the room trying not stare. yeah, so whatever. i’m going home with someone else and you my friend are going no where.

one night the diamond from my pinkie ring went missing. i looked until i got lost and i found myself at your apartment. i knocked three times and got silence. i knocked louder then listened to quiet. i knocked until my knuckles bled then i painted the door red just because love stains like blood does. i got locked out and i can’t let myself back in. i guess those keys i had couldn’t set free happiness. my first instinct was to wait for you to come back so i sat down on the last step. i never thought to myself that you were supposed to be found for better or less. i have no patience so it didn’t take long until i was gone. i broke a mirror and left a trail of glass but i bet you’ve already swept up the pieces and cleaned up the mess off the steps. you said we come from different places but our worlds crashed. maybe our paths crossed like black cats. you told me i was pretty then said you didn’t love me on the thirteenth but when i was with you i believed i was lucky. i wish my reflection was still there, that my sleeves were still clean and my heart was still beating. i wish the way you felt about me wasn’t my fantasy. you have it all and i made the mistake of trying to be the company you don’t want. i gave you a pocket watch but our clock stopped. i tried to be perfect but i’m just not and i’m ashamed of myself for letting it happen not once but two times in a row. i hope one day you love some one at least as much as you love yourself and i hope they glow the way a candle would in the snow. i think i tried but i don’t know.

the original lothario is sitting up in heaven and shooting his arrows and making mortals fall in love with those who won’t love them in return. he has stabbed everybody in the back of the heart at least once, maybe two times, three if you’re lucky. i believe he’s the one to blame for all the games that are played and the sick part is that i am madly love him. i’m not bitter, i swear, i think love is sweet but i also believe that all things must come to an ending. if they didn’t then there would never be a happy beginning. this morning i went to get coffee at the corner store and the clerk gave me a single red rose. as i smoked on my porch i plucked petals off one by one and before i got done my neighbor told me today was his divorce’s anniversary. how ironic would that be, to have your divorce picked by the court to be final on saint valentines day? i watched him walk away as i dropped the last petal and thought he loves me not.

i am a metal monkey in chinese astrology and today starts a new 12 year cycle beginning with the year of the rat. its an eclipse tonight so the earth is in between the sun and the new moon. mercury is in retrograde so it appears to be moving backwards through the northern lights. she is the planet of intellect and when she moves the wrong way it spins things around. i am a virgo so my sign is ruled by that planet and this leaves me not thinking things through or problem solving. i’m just a little bit more confused. it doesn’t make a difference that i was born under a sagittarius moon with scorpio rising and air is the only element i’m missing.

i am not perfect. you can’t take me home to meet your mommy. i like to say fuck a little too much. i smoke cigarettes and spend my extra money on clothes and weed. i never finish anything i have on my plate, there will always be something i leave. i don’t wash the makeup off of my face when i go to sleep and i stay in bed until late afternoon everyday. i am dramatic. i react to things without thinking and my actions speak louder than my words could ever explain. i believe the karma came back when i followed that black cat down it’s path. i watched him loose nine lives so i replaced him with a white kitten. once bitten twice shy multiplies and my glass will always be left half full of it.

thank you, come again.

things happen for reasons. its not fair sometimes but i guess sooner than later i’ll find out why they turned out the way they did. until then i’m going to keep a diary of my unluckiness. record everything and tell the truth for once in my head. can i be a pathological lier if i’m the only one i misled? i caused this effect i’m living and its constantly playing tricks on me. you were there for a second and then poof, you’re missing. the fucked up part is you’re still in my peripheral vision only i’m staring strait ahead. i could pinch you but i can’t reach you. it’s my fault. i’m the one who got addicted and the withdrawals are so awful that i can’t stand to stay awake for longer than a second. this is the way my life happens. it’s like my tragedy is never ending. i’ve never tried to keep a diary of anything – this is because of adhd. it’s hard for me to pay attention to me.