xoxo, nico

i almost married someone because i was to scared to break up with him. we used to go at it like two stray cats and i would freeze when he couldn’t control his temper tantrums. that would just piss him off even more because he believed i was ignoring him so then he would make me flinch by almost hitting me with his fist, grab my shoulders and shake me or slam me against a wall so hard that i would end up with a bump hidden by the hair on my head. i used to keep a journal of all the things that he used to do to me, the things he’d say and the awful stuff i thought inspired by him when i got hurt. everyone has their fair share of personality disorders and i know i am guilty of several. he happen to be bi-polar, have adhd, post traumatic stress syndrome, and ocd. i thought if i cared enough then one day he would be a miracle. he used to get so jealous that i barely could even talk to anyone without him accusing me of something i was never guilty of. i planned the whole wedding and i had it almost all done; the band, the catering, the flowers, the dress and all the save the date cards had been sent out. the only thing missing was the undergarments, something borrowed and something blue. he took a cocktail that stole his libido so he stopped taking all the drugs and not long after that he started telling me i was worth nothing and i should just go kill myself. he got more and more violent to the point where i was living in this fear that if i said anything he might react by strangling. it wasn’t until after he put me in the hospital that i called everything off two months before i signed a contract.

on august 11 i was supposed to get married but instead i started my period and sat in the boston apartment we shared for two years all alone watching the storm. when it rains it pours. fast forward a couple years to when i first moved to new york and just got dumped by someone who told me that they would never love me. a mutual friend of ours popped the question to his lady and asked me to document their wedding. i agreed before they picked the date, started seeing someone else and then fell in love with my rebound. he broke my heart a week before the road trip to go shoot amy and pete’s special day in vermont when i shared the back seat with the friend who said i would never be his one and only. last year the sky was crystal clear blue on august 12.

it took two years of therapy before i realized this all wasn’t my fault. i can push buttons if i want and when i took a kung fu lesson i learned that walking away is the cleanest way to fight a battle i can’t win. i can cut off and it will be like we had never even been introduced and if i pass you on the street i will find the nearest avenue. you could be invisible if you’re rubbing elbows with me and i don’t really give a shit what you think. you can talk all you want and justify your actions with no remorse and all i’ll have to say is yeah, whatever, i’ve heard that line before.