xoxo, nico

just because the world doesn’t revolve around me doesn’t mean that drama won’t stop coming around and crossing lines. the party started at six but everybody there was dressed to the nines in suit jackets vests hats and ties. the only one thing that wasn’t missing was your face because you believe you should be there to show your charity and drop your dollar bill in the tin bucket just like her and him. congratulations. you win.

it would be awesome if i had the balls to spit this all in your face but instead i’ll grin and wear it because that’s the right thing to do in his sticky situation. i could tell all and i will to the wrong person one day but until then i will end up your best friend and just in case you need a shirt because you lost yours during your walk of shame maybe i can lend you one but i would never expect you to replace it because i don’t really give a shit about material garments.  you fucked him so fuck you and fuck her and maybe fuck them too but from now on you should stand on your own two feet instead of using me for balance because i don’t owe you anything. i’ve done enough for free and what i got in return is nothing compared to the bullshit i’ve had to deal with and the comments that are nothing less than selfish. you will get whats coming to you. i promise you this: karma is a bitch.

i met a boy last night at the falafal bar. i told him he had pretty eyes and then i ended up on his lap at rockwood less than an hour later sharing a cabernet. we got at cab back to williamsburg and he passed out snoring in my bed but i wasn’t tired so i looked through his wallet instead of laying there next to him. in the bill fold there was my business card, no cash and the rest of the contents included a mastercard, a visa, an american express blue and a platinum business.

detroit red wings win the stanley cup. again.

somewhere in between brent shuttleworth and freeman i was outside rockwood with witnesses. a lady was riding her bike in the street and got hit by most likely a drunk driver from new jersey or connecticut. the bystanders said she flew ten feet before she landed on the pavement unconscious and the crash made the most horrible noise they ever heard. they saw the car sit for a minute and then take off before the police and emt’s arrived on the scene. hit and run 101, you are more likely to get the maximum punishment for vehicular manslaughter if you split, idiot.

ironically i came back inside as freeman was finishing a song called girl who broke in two.

making my way in the world today takes everything i’ve got. taking a break from all my worries sure would help alot. i would just like to get away. sometimes i want to go where everybody knows my name…and they’re always glad i came. i wanna be where i can see our troubles are all the same. i wanna go where everybody knows my name.

i filled for an extension today with the irs. i owe the government money and i don’t have it. my balance in my account is embarrassing and i have no savings to help me. nobody to bail me out of the mess i’ve created for myself. one time someone told me that a person’s success is calculated by the digits on his bank statement. some people get lucky because they get an inheritance or maybe they won the lottery or they started something brilliant like girls gone wild. artists top the charts with a song and we wonder why its a hit. the point is that no matter what craigslist ad i reply to my life is always going to be about rolling the die. sometimes i almost have it but in the end i just miss.

so i heard you’ve been introducing someone as your girlfriend. people have seen you two around acting like you’re all in love but i haven’t yet had the pleasure of running into you together. i’m sure its going to happen sooner or later and until then i’m praying i can find someone to hide behind. the thought of you with another girl makes me sick to my stomach and the thought of having to shake her hand and say pleased to meet you makes me dizzy. all i want to know is why the fuck you picked her and not me? anything she can do i can do better but you wouldn’t know that because you never even gave me another chance encounter. i am second best and i always will be because i put you all in this so called second to none category. in conclusion its not you. its me.

i hooked up with the oracle last night because he had a plus one to a show at mercury lounge. crystal castles sold out and it was like the yeah yeah yeahs on coke times prodigy with a strobe light show. it brought me back to raves in detroit when i would eat a whole bunch of ex and inhale balloons until i came to on the floor. i wanted some glow sticks and a pacifier or maybe some blow pops because i liked to suck on things when i got fucked up. after it was over we went to rockwood for late night and the only reason i go is because it’s hosted by one of the rich girls. i had to have drunk more than a bottle of red wine when the groper showed up with one of his girl “friends”. he always has some kind of arm candy and it makes me wonder where they come from. personals maybe. he introduces me and i ignore their name because i know i will never see them again. to make a long story short i was standing against the wall and watching impromptu aerosmith covers while he was caressing my back and telling me it was hot that nobody can see. its like a secret he said as he slipped his fingers down the back of my pants and touched my punani. that’s when the bathroom door opened and the girl he came with came out then they went back to their seats at the table in the corner. he led her there with that same hand on the small of her back. sick fuck didn’t even wash his finger tips off.

its not my fault. i didn’t do it on purpose and i’m sorry. can’t you just please accept my apology. i promise it won’t happen again. i’ve learned my lesson and i can’t change what hasn’t happened. i wish i could just do it all over again. please give me another chance. i know i can prove to you that i’m worth it. just give me some credit, don’t i deserve it? just a little bit is all i ask and i know you have it. pretty please. do i have to get on knees and bow my head with my hands clasped in front of my chest? do you want me to look more fucking desperate? i’m already crying. please i’ll do anything if you’ll only just let me in. pretty please its freezing. what the fuck do you just not care that i get hypothermia and they have to amputate my toes and my nose. from now on i’m going to stay inside so that i don’t get stuck out in the fucking cold. you’re a locksmith and you have tools. what do i have to do for you so you get me in to where i live?

i can’t even admit to myself what i did.