xoxo, nico

well maybe there’s a god above but all i’ve ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you

it’s not a cry that you hear at night it’s not somebody who’s seen the light

it’s a cold and it’s a broken

hallelujah.

i asked my daddy to find my high school diploma packed in a box somewhere in a closet at the home they sold because where i grew up became too much to own. this isn’t the first time i have purposefully misplaced my identity. after high school i took of to nashville and stole a kitten from the humane society. i decided he came from a litter of strays and justified my actions because i saved him from the gas chamber. i wasn’t allowed to have pets in my boston apartment so i left him to roam around the mansion with a hidden driveway on a country road. a month ago he didn’t show up at the side door or sneak in to the garage when it opened. last night our next door neighbor found him floating in their pool and my daddy buried him in the back yard alone.

sometimes you stumble upon the diamond in the rough but it still makes me wonder how many of them i cut out of my life. if we were all paper dolls then maybe i would be a staple that connects the two who got ripped off from their original piece of paper. if you read my palm you would see my life line is interrupted in several places because its me who turns on my heals and leaves behind one one of two pairs of shoes. it would be so easy to steal someone’s identity and pretend to be almost me. maybe they saw me as something they didn’t need. maybe they couldn’t handle me. they said i was too much so i jumped.

when the metal band my brother plays bass in got signed i told my then musician boyfriend and he couldn’t believe that some shit band from some shit town in the mid west got a deal when there are so many people here in new york city who are so much more worthy of distribution. he said it like they didn’t work hard to create a cult following at home with their grass roots and stuck together for six years before they could celebrate victory. i guess that’s not worth a pretty penny. this is also the same person who told me once how he noticed me in a room full of patrons while he was on stage with the previous lover and he remembered mentally pointing at me as if i was a shiny new toy waiting to be picked off the shelf. he had no idea duchess and me were connected and mr. white is the reason why i met all of them. not long after that the duke came across the pond and maybe we were all happy for a second but i can’t change the fact that we are all still here waiting for someone to blow up. they say you need to have patience because good things come to those who wait but i don’t believe in that statement. maybe we do make our own fate and we’re alive only because we left the right place in the right time. bad things happen to me and you. self destruct in five four three two