xoxo, nico

the truth hurts. it stabs you in the back of the heart and twists the knife while it gets deeper until all of it has drained out into a pool at your feet. love stains just like blood does only you can’t see it on the rug when it’s been swept under it like dust. in my opinion you should keep your head down rather than your chin up. you should be ashamed of yourself because i know i am for originally being your accomplice and you’ve left me no choice but to question my own loyalty. pathological liars believe themselves and cover up the truth they make up in order to make themselves appear to be the good one on the surface. two wrongs don’t make a right and i wish i could exchange my eye for one of hers so i could see what she even saw in you. obviously you don’t value a friendship enough to swallow your pride but maybe that’s because you’re too afraid it might get caught in your throat and god forbid you choke. what you don’t realize is that nobody gives a shit where you go or who you do with your time. you don’t have to answer to either or and you can head for the catskills whenever you get bored.

i just feel bad for the innocent girl holding his hand while she skips down the street. she thought that whole time he was being honest and i even lied through my teeth to her face to cover up for his past that up until more recent than not was still his present. when she asked me if it was over i should have said no, probably not. right now he’s in a bedroom telling her a story – oh, and the night before he was under your covers he was sharing her white sheets. of course you should trust me because i made up all six sides of three stories. he kept telling her to not tell me things but when she got drunk she’d let secrets slip out. its my fault too though, you see i spiked her soda with lime and poured words down her throat. finding out he met his new lover while he was still with duchess then lied to everyone makes me wonder if the only thing he wanted was to get caught.

i feel like i just woke up from the dead. my head is pounding, my hands are shaking, my nose is running. i should probably eat something but i can’t because it’ll taste like dirt from my grave. blah, sick. i wish for a switch to shut the sun off and make it dark again. it disappears much faster here than on the west coast. over there it’s daytime forever. i left my past in venice beach on new years eve with the resolution to be a good girl. new place, new ways. i was motivated for a little bit, no drinking, no smoking, celibate and then the withdrawals came back. someone handed it to me on a mirror and i relapsed. i’m new here, no one really knows me so i can be who ever i want to be. i came from where the sunsets on the sea. i could have went to a temp agency and got a job as a secretary but instead i went to a venue and got a job cocktail serving. that was too easy, they hired me on the spot. connect the dots, la, la, la, la, la, la…

i just moved in with the duke yesterday so we went out and celebrated. he’s from south london and the ladies love him but there’s one problem…he’s taken (i’ll get to that one later). the duke will drink you under the table and last night i tried to keep up with him. scotch and me don’t get along too often. i guess i was all sloppy talking jibberish and drooling all over his vintage jacket by the end of the evening. i don’t remember the cab ride back to brooklyn or him carrying me over the threshold…this means the duke’s the one and i will have to live with my first impression.

he posted an ad on craigslist because a room opened up in his apartment. to make a long story short, i answered it, we met, and a week later i moved in. tonight i’m going with him to blender to see some band he’s friends with called atomictom. hopefully one of the members will come home with us as my victim.